Have you ever had a song speak to you to your core?
To a point that you’re breaking down in tears and feeling the beat through every vein of your body?
Two weeks ago, I was driving on the interstate and had to pull over; right there on the shoulder while cars were zooming past me going 80mph. I was sobbing uncontrollably. You know, that horrific ugly sobbing when even the most waterproof mascara cannot withstand the outpouring of tears. That kind of ugly sobbing.
It hit me suddenly without warning so there I sat until it passed.
I have heard Kesha’s new song Praying multiple times. The song is her speaking out after a horrific legal battle with her former producer that she accused of drugging and raping her. She was silenced as he ultimately won the battle of legalities of contractual obligations.
Her response in Praying is a beautiful ballad of triumph. She speaks about how she has overcome the last four years. Any woman who has struggled through a hard time can relate.
I’ve never been very quiet about my turmoil of my divorce at 25 and subsequent custody issues where he eventually had his rights permanently terminated of his 6-year-old son by the state of North Carolina.
Last February he gave me an ultimatum; Either 50/50 custody or he was going to walk away. I was never against 50/50 custody however he was living a very unstable lifestyle. He was telling me he was moving for the third time in 10 weeks but he promised he would no longer miss his weeks/weekends. I told him to show he can be reliable for 6 months and we’d do it but we legal paperwork.
He was not for it. He wanted it right away or not at all.
He ultimately did not want to pay child support anymore.
I eventually told him to do what made him happy. If he was happier to leave, then go be happy. If walking out of his child’s life to no longer pay child support made him a happier person, then do it but I was not going to ever fight for him to be in his child’s life. A child that looks just like him. A child whom he has been a part of his life for the previous six years. A child that loved him unconditionally.
I never thought he would actually leave and never look back but I was not going to force anyone to be in his life either.
As I hear Kesha’s words, it speaks to every ounce of me. For the last two years, I have prayed that he would change his ways. In the early days I prayed that he would realize how important being a father physically, emotionally and financially was important. Now, I pray he has changed.
I pray that he will change and never hurt a child like he hurt his first born. I pray he does not treat his girlfriend the way he treated me. Maybe we were young but I went from a strong independent woman to a trapped childlike girl. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I felt constantly trapped and tried to escape to be told I would never amount to anything. That I was damaged and that I was unwanted.
No one should feel that way.
But I know I can only forgive so much. I have forgiven enough to be able to move on. I can never forgive the pain I continue to see on my son’s face because he thinks he did something wrong.
I can never forgive someone to walk out over child support payments.
I can never forgive someone who chose a girlfriend over their child, not once but twice, after only knowing them a few short weeks.
If you've ever felt the way I have, I hope you can be touched by a song. Music can speak to our souls and allow us to feel emotions we don't always know is there.
So if you find yourself on the side of the highway breaking down, know you are not alone. I've been there too.