Discover how to let go!
An elephant never forgets! Neither does a women! Women hold onto memories, especially when they have been wounded. When that scar was inflicted by a hurting stepchild, when lashing out was the only way he (or she) knew how, a new perspective is needed. Don't hold onto resentment and anger associated with a child that is in pain. The end result is never promising.
She is here to stay ladies!
I live in a home that another woman lived in before I did. That woman is the mother to the two of the greatest things in my life. The kitchen I make our dinner in is filled with memories, not all created by me. I wasn't there for all their "first". At the same time we have created new first! Letting go of the ones you can't reconstruct is a pivotal point!
Even if the former spouse is deceased she may still have a substantial effect on the "stepfamily" home.
what to do when you don't "fit".
Your standing on the front porch, peering through the window, and you see your husband and his kids laugh while playing together. The first thing that comes to your mind.... "they are a family, I'm the outcast".
Most men don't think as emotionally as we do. They're probably not doing it purposely, and when you bring it up will more than likely act like they have no idea what your talking about.
They're thinking about their children. Probably the children they only see every other week/weekend, month, or for holidays. He is probably thinking "I see her everyday" and I only see "them so often". Tell him how you feel. Sometimes men just need help connecting the dots.
Stepfamilies are created by loss.
If you don't accept that, and don't really let it sink in be prepared to fight a never ending, always uphill battle. Your "stepfamily" relationship will be like no others. Whether it is based on the end of a relationship, a divorce, or even death there was a loss first. No matter what kind of loss it hurts. Failure to accept this will more often than not result in the sabotage of your own relationship. Once you accept this, you will begin t understand that all stepfamilies will have their own unique issues.
You cant control her.
Say it out loud. You cant control her.
Your step child(rens) mother is going to "raise" the children different than you. Her bed time is going to be 10, yours 9:30, she is going to let them have ice cream for breakfast once a week, you would never, your going to insist on baths at bedtime, and she is going to insist on baths at morning dusk... Do not put yourself in the position to become angry. That just leads to more frustration over issues that likely are never going to change. Accept that you can't control what goes on in her home and remember she is doing the EXACT same thing when she hears your bedtime is later than hers.
(Obviously this does not apply in cases that involve abuse, or neglect, those issues need to be addressed immediately)
Those twinkling eyes, the late night hugs and the constant love that pours from your step child come from her. If it weren't for her relationship with your spouse those children would not exist. She trust you with her children, she calls for events, keeps you in the loop. More than likely when she got married (to your spouse) and had children she never planned on it ending in a divorce. She never thought she would have to deal with another woman around her child. A woman that her children would also, eventually, see as a mother figure too. She never wanted you in her life. Yet she (will) accept you because like you, she knows its whats best for the children. This is just as hard for her as it is for you. She is sharing her children with you...The journey your embarking on is meant to be life-long. You will always be there, because she brought them there.
I'm a New Jersey native whose found her permanent home in South Carolina! When I am not connected to the internet I am either chasing a dachshund, day dreaming about Disney World or binge watching something on Netflix!